Monday, January 28, 2008

Off Balance...

I have been feeling especially off balance lately. But I had not been able to figure out what was the cause of my state of befuddlement. That is until yesterday.

Its amazing how one image can give you so much insight. While watching television yesterday I saw a mother and daughter. It struck me at that moment that much of my general state of confusion has to do with or at least may have to do with losing my mother.

I lost my mother a pretty long time ago. She was still pretty young and it was unexpected.

During that time, like many young women, I was not really concerned about my relationship with my mother. All I new was if I needed her she would be there for me.

My mother and I had not yet achieved any sort of real closeness. I think in time that would have changed as sometimes happens as daughters get older. No such luck.

So I spent a little time yesterday trying to understand how the loss of my mother has affected me.

I think one major effect has been a loss of a general feeling of safety. I don't have a safety net. If I fall down there is no one to pick me up. I've already experienced this a few years ago. I had a financial crisis and I remember thinking that I couldn't believe that I can't call my mother.

And you know something else. Since I lost my mother I don't really feel like I have a home. I just don't feel like I have any roots anywhere. There is no physical space that represents to me where family should be.

I suppose in a general sense I am still connected to New York as home but even that isn't the same.

I know that losing my mother has affected me in a lot of ways. Many of those ways I'm sure I'm not even aware of yet. I suppose over time more will be revealed.

Over the last several years I have tried to get that unconditional love that I was missing from relationships. But that puts way too much pressure on a relationship.

I guess I'm trying to figure out how to fill the void. I feel like a sailboat with no sail.

I need to regain my balance.

I feel like I'm rambling.


Any advice?



Photo Attribution: Nijla

25 comments:

Lady Di said...

MDC - I have had 3 mothers in my life and no "connected" connection to any of them except... the now "Mom", sorta. Ok, here's where it gets long. I was told that at 9 months old, "birth" Mom's had a breakdown, I guess, from being an estranged young wife & mother. I'm trying to piece all of this together myself some 30+ years later. After my Dad left her taking my 3 siblings (reason unknown but some say he was education/work first, kids/home last or to the wife), she just lost it. So, where this "adopting" woman (mother #2) came in is unclear for many, many reasons. She didn't want children. So how and why she got me from "birth" Mother is still left unanswered. So good bye birth Mom till age 111 or so?? Fuzzy.

Well all sorts of BS must have happened because story has it that I told a teacher I did not want to learn my A,B,C's. Have no clue why a frail lil kid like me would have done this but I must have been acting out against something. I got tore up in class in front of the class by the person who adopted me. I never looked back as it seemed to be all down hill from there. I was sent to several different schools all the way to 15 because I was lashing out at the love no one gave me - as in saying it nor feeling it. Soooooo, many other things happened along this time, some very horrific. I'll give you one that gets to #3 mom.

I was at the babysitter's and she pulled me up telling me she had something to tell me. I was all of 11 or so. She told me that my sister was either dying or dead, can't recall which. AND, that I was adopted. (GASP) Ok, so all of this at 11??? I had no clue what any of it meant but I did see my sister for the first time in her casket and the woman sis & the siblings (met for the first time as well) called "Mom" - #3.

Life went royally down hill coming back to B-more and at 15 I was in Juvi when my birth Dad picked me up and off to his house an hour away we went. So now here's this Mother #3 and all anger from havoc comes loose because these people have no idea what I've gone through and never (that I recall) take the time to find out. I say alllllll of that to say this. You can't re-write HERstory nor yours. What you have to do is find the best memories that you can, even if it is one. Play it over and over again as that would be what she would want. #1 is gone on to heaven and I hurt everyday of my life that when we did see one another and I was old enough, I was still too hurt because no one talked TO me. She was too far gone mentally and was still trying to pick up where Mommy left off. WHAT I thought?

Anyway, Mother #2 maybe in her resting place too as she was just under my current age when she adopted me. Rest her soul and I don't miss her at all, no sorry. If you only know. I could have wrote the Black version of Mommy Dearest.

Mother #3 is dealing with a long term health issue bless her soul. She is the epitome of a woman but we just never deeply connected because... Mom #1 called her everyday of her life and gave her the verbal azz whipping of a lifetime. Miss I could not drive a bike threatened to go an hour up there and whip her tail if she hit me. See she was on meds and her own home grown meds too. Stuck in the latee 60's to early 70's ok? Poor thing.

Stay strong lady. Hold on to everything dear that you can from her. Look up each and every day and talk to her. I believe she'll hear you even when you don't.

If you choose not to publish this because of information in it, fine by me. At least you know there's one more who's sharing similar feelings as you when it comes to her Mother!!


I feel a wee better, hope you will too.
Di

Lady Di said...

If you've made it this far, then your "sailboat HAS a sail". It's you Mom!! ;) Maybe if you look at it that way then you'll move along this never ending ocean of... without ever feeling "void" again. :)

HUGS!! (ok lots)

Tami said...

This is so hard, MDC. I don't know what this feels like--I can only imagine and empathize--so I don't know how much help I can be. But I have a friend...she still has both of her parents, but they have not been close and live far away from her. She remarked once that she had created a network of good friends and they were her family. They support one another...spend holidays together...Have you formed a group of friends like this? Maybe it could help.

jjbrock said...

Mes Deux Cents I will pray for you. I will pray that God move on whoever heart He will. I don't know if it's yours or your mother but I can offer that.

I had a very close relationship with my mother. She join the ancestors in 2004 and it is still painful and, I miss her. She is the one that always had my back.

Baby Please said...

My mother passed when I was a young child. It was quite traumatic. I was only 11 years old. I am certain it has affected me in many ways.

"I think one major effect has been a loss of a general feeling of safety. I don't have a safety net. If I fall down there is no one to pick me up. I've already experienced this a few years ago. I had a financial crisis and I remember thinking that I couldn't believe that I can't call my mother."

Like you, I feel this way. One financial misstep and doom. No help. On my own. Blah Blah Blah. But as I'm getting older, I am feeling better about this only cuz my Creator has always been the safety net. And people come out of nowhere. Quite amazing, really.

Briefly, several years ago I was sick. The people who were there for me (with me) were people who shouldn't have been; but the Creator brought them to me.

But the Creator has put people there when I needed to have people there. Those people are obviouisly not my mother but they are blessings.

I just figure the Creator took a little girl's mother for whatever reason but I do know I"ve been given many things; many blessings.

This makes me feel better.

I hope it makes you feel beter, too; cuz I know you have blessings, even though I don't know you.

kayoz said...

dear mdc,
i'm not sure if i am the right person to give any advice, but i want to tell you that losing a mom is better than growing up with a mother who doesn't behave like one. i don't mean it as bitter as it sounds, what i meant to say is that i exactly understand your feelings and share them. i also feel as if i had no roots or home. and i also tried hard for a long time to gain unconditional love from relationships...no need to tell you it always ended desastrous.

what i have learned are two things: first, i heard nick cave talk once about the loss of his father and he said the whole in his heart could not be filled by anything or anyone but creativity... as you are already good in that, just keep it flowing... (smiles)
second, i had to realize at one point in my life that i cannot get unconditional love from anyone if i am not willing to give it to myself as well. always fighting for the love of others and trying to bend me whichever way they might like me almost make me lose my identy and worse made me hate myself...
maybe you can learn from this...

all the best

kayoz

Afrodite said...

Unfortunately, I have no advice if you have lost your mother but my condolences go out to you.

What you said about mothers and daughters getting closer as they get older really struck a nerve. I'm not very close to my mom and I figured we would be as I got older but there seems to be more of a disconnect.

I dunno...

Danielle said...

MDC - I feel your pain. My Grandmother raised me from infancy. She was my legal guardian and NY was my home. She passed away almost 3 yrs. ago and life has not been the same.

I felt rudderless for a long time after her death and I still do. I'm in San Fran away from my "home" because NY will always be home to me and it has been hard.

I have wonderful friends, but that sense of connection to who I am and my history has been taken away from me and it's hard. I still miss her because her influence gave me a sense of self and the knowledge that I was loved no matter what.

I don't know what advice to give you. I just take it one day at a time MDC. I visit NY as often as I can and see my family and I feel good because I know who I am.

I will eventually move back because though I've built a lovely life for myself out here, nothing beats those who know you better than you know yourself and the security it brings.

I wish you all the best!

Jackie said...

MDC, as you know I lost my mom recently. So it is still very fresh for me. The feelings you are having are certainly perfectly normal. A church member told me just yesterday, don't let anyone put a time limit on your grief. She also said grief is almost like it's organic, it moves through your body. You feel it emotionally, physically. I know I feel off balance and vulnerable too. No safety net, is a good way to express it.
MDC, feeling that need to call her, I've been told, is one of the things that just never goes away.

So let yourself feel what you feel. And, as another good friend told me about grieving her mom, eventually like everything else that goes away, it slowly became part of who she is. So, no need to try to fill that void. It'll happen when it happens. So sweetie, nope you are not rambling, it's just so very hard, believe me I know.

Miriam said...

MDC,

(HUGS!)

Mothers are certainly the house. In Hebrew, girls are called "bat". The same word for House. They say women make the mood, they make the house.

But you are also a 'bat'.

And at the same time I am sure you're mom did many wonderful things that she could before she passed away. Things that are helping you even now. (like when you were a kid and sitting quietly on the bus cuz the neighbors might report you! lol I still remember that story!) I don't know if you're spiritual or not but if you are: then its not like she's gone forever. All her teachings are embedded in you! And she may still be intervening on your behalf. Even that you have a memory of her is something to hold on to.

(If you're not spiritual then forget the intervening part )

I wish I knew the right words to say...you're a wonderful person and stability and safety is not a weird thing to look for in a partner.

I wish you love.

GoldenAh said...

>>Over the last several years I have tried to get that unconditional love that I was missing from relationships. But that puts way too much pressure on a relationship.

Sorry for your loss. I have to admit I don't know what that's like. My folks are close by, and I'm not a spring chicken.

I have a BFF, that I've known since junior high. Our friendship is unconditional love. I try to make sure all my friendships are that way.

I look at loving relationships the same way: it should be unconditional. Don't feel you are putting too much pressure on a person(s) if this is what you seek.

Trusting people, getting close to them takes a lot of time. When you need help, they will appear.

Take care.

SheCodes said...

MDC,

My heart goes out to you, and I can only pray and hope that you find the anchor that you need.

While there is nobody that can take your mothers' place, there are other relationships that will come that can give you that sense of 'home'.

Some places for 'anchoring' and home:

- Although it's not for everybody, a warm, good church that isn't too big. Even if you aren't technically 'a believer', the sense of belonging and family that you can get from the 'mothers' in my church is indescribable. They will physically feed you in the kitchen if you let them. They'll take you home and some have even bailed people out financially (although we stopped them from doing this!!)


- When you look for a man to marry... CHECK OUT HIS FAMILY and make their dynamic an important criteria. My sister in law had an extremely dysfunctional family and bless her heart, has become as close to us as my own blood sisters. My mother has become her mother in every real sense of the word 'mother'. If your husband has good parents, move to be near them.

- Honor your own mother, have rituals like placing fresh flowers next to her picture, and say a prayer and positive affirmation for your life


- When you finally have babies, you will miss her even more, but I am told that something in you feels 'settled' and 'whole' when they curl up to you and fall asleep in your lap.


So you are in a transition, and take all the time that you need. I know it's not much, but your blog family cares for you too... and I hope that by coming here every day, we can give you a sense of stability too.

Blessings

Shecodes

Eb the Celeb said...

you scared me for a second when you started... my lil step brother died a couple years ago because he had a tumor on his brain stem...

he started falling down for no reason , since the brain stem helps you with your balance and when we took him to the doctor that saw the tumor... so your saying you have been off balance lately scared me a lil bit...

But you meant balance not literally .

Anali said...

You're not rambling. Everything you say makes so much sense. Take care MDC.

Blu Jewel said...

I think we all have moments like this where we wonder and reflect, so I think it's pretty normal.

Allow yourself to work through these feelings one by one and know that you've already accomplished what so many fail to and that's to have a voice and not be afraid to use it.

You'll regain your balance; this is just a phase.

Lisa said...

MDC: I don't have any advice, I certainly understand how you feel. What about your extended family? Your sister? That's what helped me -

James Tubman said...

read my post "how to be happy no matter what"

Don said...

Love the straight forwardness of your post, Mes Deux. I am very fortunate to have found my way to your blog. It's very honest, informing, entertaining, and filled with the same Old Earth flavor which feeds my soul. I thank Sage for leading me your way.

As for your post, to be perfectly honest with you, I don't think you can fill that void. At least I personally do not see how the loss of the emotional comfort of your own mother can be replaced.

I deal with the exact same through the estrangement of my two young daughters. They were my spirit, in a sense. And this is coming from someone who never had what you call a mom & dad. My late grandmother was the closest I've ever had to that unconditional love which you touched upon.

In 2 years no one and nothing has replaced my daughters. In 23 years, there has been no love which compared to the love I hold for my grandma.

I simply carry on the way a person carries on when he has no other choice but to carry on.

Janie said...

I think the fact that you can speak about the void is important, though not sufficient. There is NO ONE that can take the place of your mother.

Hold her in your heart. Her spirit is with you as corny and cliche as that sounds.

My mother is still alive and I probably take her presence for granted.

When all else fails you can believe that she is IN/WITH you. Always.

Monica Roberts said...

I'm fortunate my mother is still alive, but I lost my gradmother who I was very close to in 2002.

I can feel what your talking about in terms of my gradmother. Evry June 4 (her birthday) and every February 26 (the day she passed away) I get depressed.

Mes Deux Cents said...

Lady Di,

Wow I'm sorry you had to go through all of that. I'm also glad you survived. :)

It's amazing the pain we have to deal with sometimes. Our lives can be so complicated. It's so hard sometimes to make sense of it all.

Do you have any sort of relationship with your other siblings? That is something that is lacking in my life. My siblings and I come from different marriages of our dad. So we didn't really grow up together.

So they still have their moms.

Also you and I have in common that we came into life with our mothers dealing with a lot. My parents were divorcing as I was born. It's rough coming into life like that.

Thanks for sharing with me. I hope you are finding ways to be content and happy.

Thanks..

(HUGS)
___________________________________

Tami,

I think that is something that I'm in the process of doing.

There are a lot of transplants like me in the area. So I think a lot of us are trying to make surrogate families. It's not easy though.
___________________________________

JJ B,

I'm sorry you lost your mom. And I appreciate your prayers.

___________________________________

Baby Please,

I'm sorry you lost your mom.

These words of yours really help;

"But as I'm getting older, I am feeling better about this only cuz my Creator has always been the safety net. And people come out of nowhere. Quite amazing, really."

That is true for me too. I have had people be there for me when I thought I had no one.

Thanks for your words. They give me a lot of hope!

___________________________________

Kayoz,

"always fighting for the love of others and trying to bend me whichever way they might like me almost make me lose my identy and worse made me hate myself..."

Wow that's powerful. I have fallen into that too at different times.

And you are right about giving the kind of love we want in return. As I write this I can think of one occasion when that may have made a big difference in a relationship.

I'll put that bit of knowledge in my pocket for future use. :)

Thanks!
___________________________________

Afrodite,

Well maybe you can talk to your mom about the two of you being closer?

She probably wants the same thing.
___________________________________

Danielle,

I'm sorry you lost your Grandmother.

"nothing beats those who know you better than you know yourself and the security it brings."

That is sooooo true. I miss that feeling so much!


Thanks for sharing
___________________________________

Jackie,

I remember about your mom. I hope you are doing okay.

Wow that feeling of wanting to call my mom is so strong sometimes! The when I realize I can't I feel so lost.

Thanks for letting me know I wasn't rambling. :)

___________________________________

Miriam,

"And she may still be intervening on your behalf."

That's a wonderful and comforting thought.

Your words made me feel better, thanks!

(HUGS)
___________________________________

GoldenAh,

You're right, relationships and trust take time. I have to be patient and let them mature.

Thanks!
___________________________________

SheCodes,

You know, I have been craving a church home. The trouble is I am really picky and also I want to avoid drama, if you know what I mean.

Maybe this is why I have been wanting to find a church.

You give great advice.

And it means a lot that I have my blog family. It really does!

___________________________________

Eb,

Sorry I didn't mean to bring back bad memories.

Sorry about your little bro.

(HUGS)
___________________________________

Anali,

Thanks :)
___________________________________

Blu Jewel,

I think you are right. I'll be relieved to get on the other side of this confusion.

That, as you say, takes time.
___________________________________

Lisa,

My older sister is in Europe. She's been there for a really long time. I really don't think she is ever going to move back.

I get an email from her every now and then, that's about it.

I have other siblings but they are half's. We aren't close. Oh well.
___________________________________

James,

Okay I will.

Thanks
___________________________________

Don,

I hope you find your way back to your little ones. I imagine that must feel very much like I feel.

You hang in there!

Thanks for your kind words about my blog.

That darn Sage, I wish she would visit every now and then.
___________________________________

Janie,

"Hold her in your heart. Her spirit is with you"

That doesn't sound clichéd at all.

Thanks


___________________________________

Lady Di said...

Yep MDC, HAVE found ways to be content and happy. :) And me & my (younger step) sis are kinda close but I never latched to women at all because I never latched to them as a child, you see. Bonding is done from the womb until I would say 2. I don't feel that happened with me because of many things I will never know. And I still don't latch to women some 30+ years later OK? It can't be taught - it's a natural from birth I believe so I just adjust as I go. My 2 (older) natural brother's live in other states and we were never really close because of what they suffered from the spit themselves it seems.

Mes Deux Cents said...

Lady Di,

I'm glad you have found contentment, it's a beautiful thing! :)

MrsGrapevine said...

Losing a mother is hard no matter when it occurs. I just lost my mom in July to a hard battle against cancer. I am her only child and she was my only family here in Dallas. I just gave birth to my youngest, and a week later they gave her prognosis of 3-6 months. Unlike you my mom and I were close, not so much in the last two years, but through out our relationship we were more like sisters. So, I say all that to say it's always hard. There are always moments you will look back on as lost, times you could have spent together, and moments you could have opened up to her. You have to really embrace the moments you do have, and let go of the should haves and could haves because they will drive you crazy. Just hold to the intense love you have for her, and know that her love for you was greater. You don't have to search for a substitute because the love is still there.

I do I thank God that he waited until I was married and with children, because if not I wouldn't know how to get through the day, and I can barely get through this post. The love can't be replaced, and it's an unfair expectation to both you and your mate.

Just remember a mother's love never fades, and it's there somewhere within.

Mes Deux Cents said...

Mrs G,

First, I'm so sorry for your loss.

It's a good thing indeed that you have a family of your own. That's a support system that I hopefully will have one day.

"Just hold to the intense love you have for her, and know that her love for you was greater."

That's a beautiful thought. That's something that will definitely help me.

Thanks

MDC's Library

1720 Entertainment (1) 1983 DeTomaso Pantera (1) 2007 (1) 2007 Best Videos (1) 2007 Track and Field World Championships (4) 2007 WNBA Conference Finals (1) 2007 WNBA Finals (5) 2007 WNBA Western Conference Finals (1) 2007 World Track and Field Championships (1) 2008 Beijing Olympic Games (1) 2008 Grammy Awards (2) 2008 Presidential Race (28) 2008 Resolutions (1) 2008 Super Bowl (1) 3 A.M. (1) 3LW- No More (1) 59th Street Bridge (1) 7 Star Hotel (1) 7 Train (2) A Beautiful Face (2) A Beautiful Picture (131) A Cute Picture (1) A funny picture (2) A House is not a Home (1) A Rainy Day (1) A Raisin in the Sun (1) A Tribe Called Quest Leaders of the New School (1) A Week Of Positive Blogging (9) A-Ha - Take On Me (1) Aaliyah (7) Aaliyah - Christmas in Washington (1997) (1) Aaliyah We Miss You (1) Africa (1) African American Aviation (1) African American Churches (1) African American Enslavement (1) African American History (3) African American Men (1) African Americans and Cable T.V. (2) Agra (1) Airbus A380 (1) Al B. Sure - Nite And Day (1) Albuquerque (1) Alexander O'Neal and Cherelle - Saturday Love (1) Alice Smith (4) Alice Smith - Dream (Live) (1) Alicia Keys (7) Alicia Myers - I Want To Thank You (1) Allegory (1) Allyson Felix (3) AM Radio (1) Amazon.com (1) Amel Larrieux (2) America Ferrera (1) Amii Stewart - Knock on Wood (1) Amsterdam (2) Amtrak (1) Amy Winehouse (7) Amy Winehouse - Love Is A Losing Game (1) Amy Winehouse - Moody's Mood For Love (1) and Mary (1) And this is what I think about that... (1) Angel Lola Luv (2) Angela Bofill - I Try (1) Angela Y Davis (1) Angelina-Jolie (2) Antarctica (1) Arbor Day (1) Arc de Triomphe (2) Aresenio Hall (1) Aretha Franklin - Bridge Over Troubled Water (1) Aretha Franklin - Until You Come Back To Me (1) Arizona (1) Arrested Development - Tennessee (1) Art (3) Ask This Black Woman (1) Assata Shakur Part One (1) Assata Shakur Part Two (1) Astoria (1) Athletics (1) Atlanta (4) Attallah Shabazz (1) August 28 - 1963 (1) Australia (2) Autumn (1) Aviation (1) Bad Photoshopping (1) Balances By Nikki Giovanni (1) Bandy Bandy (1) Barack and Michelle (1) Barack Obama (11) Barak Obama (2) Barbara Mason - Another Man (1) Bart Simpson (1) Basia - New Day for You (1) Beautiful Earth (1) Beautiful Italy (1) Beautiful Moon Over Spain (1) Beautiful Photo (1) Beautiful Puerto Rico (1) Beautiful Rome (1) Before dawn (1) Being Prepared (1) Belgium (1) Ben Harper (1) Benazir Bhutto (2) Bermuda (1) Bessie Coleman (1) BET (1) BET/ Viacom (7) Beverly Johnson (1) Beyoncé (1) Bill Clinton (1) Bill Cosby (1) Bill O'Reilly (1) Billary (3) Billet-doux (1) Billie Holiday (2) Bills (1) Billy Ocean - Caribbean Queen (1) Birthdays (1) Black and Green Flag (1) Black Blog Rankings (2) Black Fire White Fire (1) Black History Month (21) Black Sea (1) Black Women (3) Black Women Vote (1) Black Women's Roundtable (1) Black-Eyed Peas (1) BlackAndMarriedWithKids (1) Blogger Protest (3) Blogger Tag (4) Blogging (14) Blogging Break (1) Blogs I love (2) Blogs I Read (3) BlogTalkRadio (1) BOB (Bombs Over Baghdad) (1) Bob Marley (1) Bob Marley - Redemption Song (1) Bob Marley and The Wailers (1) Bobby Caldwell What You Won't Do For Love (1) Bobby Womack - If You Think You're Lonely Now (1) Bonnie Raitt - Something To Talk About (1) Books (3) Bora Bora French Polynesia (1) BoringBlackChick (2) Boston (3) Boycotts (1) Boz Scaggs - Lowdown (1) Brandy - I Wanna Be Down (1) Brasil (1) Breast Cancer (1) Brehat Island (1) Britney Spears (1) Brixton (1) Brooklyn Bridge (1) Browngirl (1) Brownstone (2) Brussels at Nightfall (1) Brussels Belgium at night (1) Bucky Done Gun (1) Buenos Aires At Night (1) Burj Al-Arab Hotel (1) Burqa (1) Bus (2) Bush Clinton Dynasty (2) C-Bank - One more shot (1) Cable T.V. (1) Café Society (1) California (3) California Attorney General (1) Calloway with The Nicholas Brothers - Jumpin' Jive (1) Cape Town SA (1) Cappie Pondexter (6) Carnival (2) Cathay Williams (1) CBS Corp. (1) Celia Cruz (1) Cell Phones (1) Central Park at Night (1) Chaka Khan (1) Champagne (1) Champs-Elysées (1) Change featuring Luther Vandross - The Glow Of Love (1) Character Corner (2) Charles Barkley (1) Charlotte - North Carolina (1) Cheaters (1) Chemotherapy (1) Cheryl Lynn - Encore (1) Chesapeake Bay Bridge (1) Chic - I Want Your Love (1) Chicago (2) Chicago at night (1) China (3) China's Support Of Genocide In Dafur (2) Chris Isaac - Wicked Game (1) Chrisette Michelle (1) Christina Aguilera - Beautiful (1) Christine Arron (1) Christine Beatty (1) Christmas (8) Christmas Day (2) Christmas Music (3) Christmas Party (1) Christopher Williams - I'm Dreamin' (1) Chubb Rock - Treat 'em Right (1) Chudney Ross (1) Church (1) Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (1) Ciara - Get Up (1) Cindy Blackman (1) Cities (2) Cities I like (1) Clear Channel Communications (1) Cloned Meat (1) Club Nouveau - Why you treat me so bad (1) College (1) Colonel Abrams -Trapped (1) Color Preference Test (1) Comment War (1) Comments (2) Common Sense (1) Community (1) Conflict (1) Consumerism (1) Conya Doss (1) Cora Brown (1) Corinne Bailey Rae (1) Corinne Bailey Rae - Like A Star (1) Corrine Bailey Rae (1) Costa Rica (1) Country Music (1) Courtney and Angela (1) Crazy Comments (1) Creedence Clearwater Revival - Bad Moon Rising (1) Crime (1) Cristal champagne (1) Cuba (2) Culture (1) Cynda Williams - Harlem Blues (1) Cynthia Tucker (2) Dallas (2) Dana Owens (1) Dance Theatre of Harlem (1) Dance Thursday Rerun with the Lockers (1) Dance Thursday The Challenge - Gregory Hines and Sammy Davis (1) Darfur (1) Das Efx - They Want Efx (1) dave brubeck take five (1) Dave Matthews Band - Crash Into Me (1) De La Soul - Me (1) DeBarge - Stay With Me (1) Debit Card (1) Debra Laws with Ronnie Laws - Special (1) Deele - Two Occasions (1) Delaware State University (1) Delegates Count (1) Dennis Edwards - Don't Look Any Further (1) Dennis Kucinich (1) Denroy Morgan - I'll Do Anything for You (1) Denzel (3) Deon Estus (1) Destiny's Child (1) Detroit (1) Detroit Shock (1) Dexter Gordon (1) Diana and Flo (1) Diana Taurasi (2) Did you know (1) Dionne Farris - Hopeless (1) Dionne Warwick (1) DJ Jazzy Jeff and The Fresh Prince - Summertime (1) DJ Kool - Let Me Clear My Throat (1) Djenné (1) Donny Hathaway - This Christmas (1) Dorothy Dandridge (1) Dr. Buzzard's Original Savannah Band - Sunshower (1) DST (1) Dubai (1) Düsseldorf by Night (1) Economy (1) Ecuador (1) Eddie Murphy (1) Eddy Grant - Electric Avenue (1) Edmonia Lewis (1) Edwyn Collins - A Girl Like You (1) Egypt (1) Ehav Ever (1) Eiffel from the Seine River (1) Elaine Brown (1) Electronic Village (3) email (1) En Vogue - Hold On (1) Enigma - Sadness (1) Enya - Orinoco Flow (1) Erykah Badu (2) ESPN (1) Essence (1) Essential Presence (5) Ethiopia (2) Etienne Aigner (1) EurWeb.com (1) Eve - Tambourine (1) Evelyn "Champagne" King - Betcha She Don't Love You (1) Exploitation (1) Fabulous Is A Choice (1) Faith Evans - You Used To Love Me (1) Fall (1) Fall Fashion (1) Falling In Love (1) FAME (1) Family (1) Fashion (1) Faux - Heterosexuality (1) FCC (1) Feelings (1) Fiji Islands (2) File (1) Film (3) Final Post For Now (1) Finding Jesus (1) Five Questions (1) Five Star - Let Me Be the One (1) Flashdance (1) Flava Flav (1) Flea Markets (2) Floetry (1) Floods Across Africa (1) FM Radio (1) Fog (2) Fond Memories (1) Fonda Rae - Over Like a Fat Rat (1) Food (3) Food Recall (1) Force MD's - Tender Love (1) France (2) Frances Ellen Watkins Harper (2) Frank (1) Frankie Crocker (1) Frankie Smith - Double Dutch Bus (1) Freddie Jackson - Rock Me Tonight (1) Freetown Christiania (1) Frida Kahlo (1) Friday Rare Groove: Chuckii Booker - Turned Away (1) Friday Rare Groove: Joyce Sims - All and All (1) Friendship (2) Fruit (1) Fugees (2) Gene Anthony Ray (1) General Electric (1) Genocide (1) George Bush (2) George Kranz - Din Da Da (1) Germany (1) Gibson Brothers - Cuba (1) Giovanca -Joyride (1) Girls (1) Giving (1) Glamour Magazine (1) Global Warming (1) Goapele (1) Goapele - Closer (1) Golden Globes (1) Good Morning America (1) GOP (1) Government (5) Grace Jones - Pull Up To The Bumper (1) Greece (1) Greenwich Village (1) Gregory Abbott - Shake You Down (1) Groceries (1) Groove Theory (1) Gulf of Tonkin (1) Gwen Guthrie - It Should Have Been You (1) Gwen Stefani (1) Hair (1) Halifax (1) Hall and Oates - I Can't Go For That (No Can Do) (1) Halle Berry (1) Halloween (1) Hanukkah (1) Happiness (1) Happy Birthday Aaliyah... (1) Happy New Year 2008 (2) Harajuku Girls (1) Harajuku Station (1) Harold Melvin and the Blue Notes (1) Harper's Bazaar Japan (1) Havana (1) Havana Cuba (2) HBCU (2) Heaven Help Me (1) heteronyms (1) heterophones (1) HickTownPress (1) Highland Ave (1) Hillary Clinton (5) Hip Hop (2) Hip Hop Be Bop (Don't Stop) (1) Hippies (1) Historic Moments (1) Holiday (3) Holland (1) Hollywood Blvd (1) Hollywood CA (1) Home (2) Homeland Security (1) HomelandColors (2) Homophones (1) Hong Kong At Night (2) Hootie And The Blowfish - Hold My Hand (1) Hope That We Can Be Together Soon (1) House Party - Dance off: Kid and Play (Music: Ain't My Type Of Hype - Full Force) (1) Houses (1) Human League - Don't You Want Me Baby (1) Hurricane Katrina (1) Hwy 101 (1) I Am Legend (1) I Hate Rap Rant (1) I have a question (3) I hope (1) I Love Music (1) I smell the 80's (1) I Want This (1) Ibiza Spain (1) Iceland (1) Idioms (1) If you love me (1) IFC (1) Imagination - Just an Illusion (1) Iman (1) Indai.Arie (1) Indeep - Last Night A DJ Saved My Life (1) India (1) Indian Ocean (1) Inner City - Big Fun (1) Inner Life - I'm caught up (1) Interesting Music (1) Interesting Photo (1) Interestingness (1) Iowa (2) ipod (3) Iran (1) Irene Morgan Kirkaldy (1) Isiah Thomas (1) Isla Verde Beach (1) It's In The eyes (1) It's Ndel's World; You're Just Reading It (1) Italy (1) itunes (1) Jackie Moore - This Time Baby (1) Jade - Don't Walk Away (1) Jamaica (1) James "D-Train" Williams- Keep On (1) James Brown Lyrics - Say It Loud (I'm Black and I'm Proud) (1) Jamiroquai - Space Cowboy (1) Janelle Monáe (1) Janet Jackson - Rhythm Nation (1) January 16 (1) Japan (1) Jay Z (1) jazzfm (1) Jazzyfatnastees (1) Jean Baylor (1) Jean-Michel Basquiat (1) Jeb Bush In 2012 (1) Jeff Goldblum (1) Jena6 (1) Jennifer Beals (2) Jermaine Jackson - Do What You Do (1) Jermaine Stewart - Word is Out (1) Jimmy Jam (1) Jimmy Scott (1) Joan Armatrading (5) Joan Armatrading - Love And Affection (1) Jody Watley Still a Thrill (1) Joe Public - Live and learn (1) Joe Ski Love - Pee Wee Dance (1) Joffrey Ballet (1) John Coltrane (2) John Edwards (1) John Howard Payne (1) John Legend Corinne Bailey Rae (1) John McCain (1) John Wayne (1) Johnny Was (1) Jonathan Butler - Lies (1) Jr. (1) Jr. from the film Tap (1) Juanita Bynum (1) Judge Hatchett (1) Juneteenth (1) Junior - Mama Used To Say (1) JURNEE SMOLLETT (1) Justice (1) Justin D. Ross (1) Kamala Harris (1) Kano - I'm Ready (1) Karen Alexander (1) Karen Young - Hot Shot (1) Karyn White featuring Babyface - Love Saw It (1) Kashif and Meli'sa Morgan - Love Changes (1) Kathleen Neal Cleaver (1) Kauai Hawaii (1) keith sweat - Make it Last Forever feat Jackie McGhee (1) Kelis - Caught Out There (1) Kenya (2) Keyshia Cole (1) KFC (1) Kiva (1) Kraftwerk - Trans Europe Express (1) Kuala Lumpur (1) Kuala Lumpur Malaysia (1) Kumari Fulbright (1) Kwanzaa (1) La Flavour - Mandolay (1) Labor Day (1) Laguna Beach (1) Lake Como (1) Lake Michigan (1) Lake Powell (1) Las Vegas Nevada (1) Latin Quarter (1) Lauren Hill (1) Lauryn Hill (2) Lauryn Hill - Little Drummer Boy (1) Law Enforcement (1) Led Zeppelin (1) Led Zeppelin - All My Love (1) Ledisi (2) Leela James (1) Leela James - Music (1) Left Eye (1) Lennox Lewis (1) Lenny Kravitz (2) Lenny Kravitz - Are you Gonna go my way featuring Cindy Blackman on Drums (1) Les Champs-Élysées (1) Les Nubians (1) Lily Allen (1) Link-O-Rama (22) Lisa Bonet (2) Lisa Fischer - How Can I Ease The Pain (1) Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam - Lost in Emotion (1) Lisa Stansfield - All Around The World (1) Lisbon Portugal (1) List (1) Lists (3) Live Concert (2) Living Out Loud (1) Liya Kebede (3) LL Cool J - I Need Love (1) Local News (1) Local Radio (1) Locavore (1) London (2) Long lost Friends (1) Loose Ends - Slow down (1) Lorraine Hansberry (1) Los Angeles at night (1) Los Angelista's Guide To The Pursuit Of Happiness (2) Love (2) Love De-Luxe - Here comes that sound (1) Love is alosing game (1) LTD - (Everytime I Turn Around) Back In Love Again (1) Luther Vandross (5) Luther Vandross - Your Secret Love (1) Lydia Abarca (1) M.I.A. (Maya Arulpragasam) (1) M|A|R|R|S - Pump Up the Volume (1) Machine (1) Madison (1) Mahalia Jackson - Amazing Grace (1) Major Harris (1) Major Robert Henry Lawrence (1) Malcolm and Betty (1) Malcolm and Martin (1) Malcolm Mclaren - Buffalo Girls (1) Mali (1) Man Parrish (1) March on Washington (1) Mardi Gras (1) Mariah Carey - Vision of Love (2) Mariah Carey - We Belong Together (1) Marion Jones (4) Marlena Shaw (2) Marshall Jefferson - Move your Body (1) Martha's Vineyard (1) Martin and Coretta (1) Martin Laurence (1) Martinique (1) Marvin Gaye (1) Mary J Blige - Just Fine (1) Mary J. Blige (1) Matisyahu (1) Matisyahu King Without A Crown (Live At Stubb's) (1) Maui (1) Mauritius (1) Mavericks Surf Contest (1) Maxi Priest - Close to you (1) Maxwell - Ascension (Don't Ever Wonder) (1) Maze (1) Maze featuring Frankie Beverly - Joy and Pain (1) MC Hammer (1) MC Lyte - Lyte As A Rock (1) McFadden and Whitehead - Aint No Stopping Us Now (1) MDC Dictionary (1) Me (1) Media (15) Media hearings Negative Depictions of African American Women (1) Mel and Kim - Showing Out (1) Mes Deux Cents (1) Meseret Defar (1) Meshell Ndegeochello (1) Mexico (1) MFSB - Love Is The Message (1) Miami at night (1) Michael Jackson (1) Michael Jackson - Ben (1) Michael Vick (3) Midnight Star - Curious (1) Milan - Italy (1) Milli Vanilli - Blame It On The Rain (1) Minnie Riperton - Memory Lane (1) Minority relations (1) Minstel Show (1) Missing African American Women (7) Missing Persons (2) Mitt Romney for President (2) MLK (2) MLK Day (6) Mo Better Blues (1) Models (1) Mombasa (1) Monday (1) Money (2) Montréal (1) Montreal in autumn clothes (1) Moody's Mood for Love (1) Morehouse College (1) Mormons and Blacks (1) Morning (1) Morocco (1) Mothers (1) Mount Fuji (1) Mount Kilimanjaro (1) Mr Softie Ice Cream (1) MrsGrapevine (2) MSNBC (1) MTV (1) Music (9) Music Downloads (1) Music Saturday (11) Musical Youth - Pass The Dutchie (1) My Orchid (2) My Original Writing (5) Myself and I (1) N.Y. Giants (2) N.Y.C (6) NAACP (2) Nailah Franklin (5) Nancy Sinatra (1) Nashville (1) Natalie Merchant (1) Natalie Merchant - Carnival (1) Natasha Bedingfield - Unwritten (1) National Secretaries Day (1) Native Americans (1) Natural Disaster (1) NBA (1) NBC (1) Negative Depictions Of Women Of Color (3) Negative Propaganda (2) Nena - 99 Luftballoons (1) Neo-Soul (1) Netherlands (1) Neutrogena Hand Cream (1) New Black Woman (1) New Edition - Boys to Men (1) New England Patriots (1) New Hampshire (1) New Jack City (1) New Jersey (1) New Jersey Turnpike (1) New Mexico (1) New Release (1) New York Citi Peech Boyz Don't Make Me Wait (1) New York City (3) News (11) News Corp. (1) NFL (1) Niagara Falls (2) Nicole Willis (2) No Woman No Cry (1) Nokulunga Buthelezi (1) Norah Jones (3) Notable Quotables (2) Nova Scotia (2) NPR (6) Nu Shooz I Can't Wait (1) NYC (2) O.J. Simpson (1) Odds and Ends (1) Odin (1) Offensive Cable Programming (1) Olbrich Gardens (1) Oleta Adams - Get Here (1) On Beauty (1) On Blogging (1) On... (18) One Of My Favorite People (4) Oprah (3) Orchids (3) Oregon (1) Oscars (1) OutKast (1) P.M. Dawn - Set Adrift On Memory Bliss (1) Paganism (1) Palindromes (1) Panic (1) Paris (9) Passion (2) Patrick Hernandez - Born to be alive (1) PBS (3) PCH (1) Peace On Earth (1) Pebbles - Mercedes Boy (1) Personal Day (1) Pet Shop Boys - West End Girls (1) PETA (1) Peter Brown - Do You Wanna Get Funky With Me? (1) Petronas Towers (2) Pfc. LaVena Johnson (1) Phalaenopsis Orchid (2) Phoenix Mercury (1) Photo Art (2) Photo Art Friday (3) Phyllis Hyman (5) Places I Would Like To Visit (1) Poetry (3) politics (3) Pookie (1) Pop and Politics (1) Pop Quiz (2) Portland (1) Portugal (1) Press play (2) Protest (4) Public Transportation (1) Puerto Rico (1) Purple Sky (1) Q1 Review (1) Queen Latifah (1) Queens (1) Questions (1) Quincy Jones - The Secret Garden (1) quizzes (1) Quotes (2) R and B (1) Racism (1) Radio (2) Radio Announcer (1) Radio D.J. New York City (1) Rainforest (1) Raising Victor Vargas (1) Ralph Nader (1) Rap Music (2) Rap Video Vixens (1) Ray Parker Jr - A Woman Needs Love (1) Re Posts (1) Reading (1) Ready for the World - Love You Down (1) Ready or Not (1) Ready To Wear (1) Really stupid people (1) Rebbie Jackson - Centipede (1) Recommended Viewing (5) Reginald Hudlin (1) Relationships (2) Religion (1) René Syler (1) repost (1) Revolutionary Women (1) Rick Astley - Never Gonna Give You Up (1) Righteous Brothers - Unchained Melody (1) Rihanna (2) Rio de Janeiro (3) Rio de Janeiro at night (1) Rissi Palmer (1) Robert Palmer - Addicted To Love (1) Roberta Flack Donny Hathaway (1) Robin Roberts (1) Rock (1) Rockefeller Center (1) Rockers Revenge - Walking On Sunshine (1) Rockwell - Somebody's Watching Me (1) Roll (1) Roy Ayers - Everybody Loves The Sunshine (1) Roy Ayers - Running Away (1) Rudy Giuliani (1) Rupert Holmes - Escape (The Piña Colada Song) (1) Rutgers (2) Saartjie Baartman (1) Sade Adu (5) Saint John Coltrane Church (1) Sally-Ann Roberts (1) Samoa (1) San Diego (1) San Diego At Night (1) San Francisco (4) San Francisco at night (1) San Juan (1) Santa Barbara (1) Santa Cruz (1) santorini Island (1) SÃO PAULO (1) Sapiosexual (1) Sarita Choudhury (2) Sasha Bratz (1) Saving (1) Scary Spice Mel B (1) schools (1) Scotland (1) Seals and Crofts - Summer Breeze (1) Seattle at Night (2) Secret Weapon - Must Be The Music (1) Self Destruction (1) Seoul at Night (1) Seychelles (1) Shalamar - Night to Remember (1) Sheila E - A Love Bizarre (1) Sheila Escovedo (1) Shirley Bassey (1) Shopping (2) Sideways (1) Silvercup Studios (1) Simon and Garfunkel - The Boxer (1) Sisters from other mothers (1) Skate (1) Slavery (1) Slick Rick - Children's Story (1) Sly and the Family Stone - Thank You (Falettinme Be Mice Elf Agin) (1) smart car (1) Snap - The Power (1) Snow - Informer (1) Social Commentary (1) Social life (1) Songs For MLK Day (4) Songs I Love (209) Sony Television (1) Sophie Okonedo (1) Soul II Soul - Back To Life (1) Soulsonic Force feat. Afrika Bambaataa - Planet Rock (1) South Carolina (1) Soylent Green (1) Spain (1) Special Ed - I Got It Made (1) Special Videos (3) Spelman College (1) Spike Lee (1) Sports (10) Spring (1) St. Valentine's Day (7) Staceyann Chin (1) Starpoint - Object Of My Desire (1) Stepha Henry (1) Stephanie Mills - (You're Putting) A Rush On Me (1) Stetsasonic - Sally (1) Steve Fossett (1) Steve Miller Band - The Joker (1) Stoney Jackson (1) Strafe - Set it off (1) Strait of Hormuz (1) Studies About African America (1) Stuff (4) Subway Stories (1) Summer Rain (1) Sumner Redstone (3) Sunday Fun (1) Sunrise (1) Sunset (1) Super Tuesday (1) Superbowl (1) Surface - Closer Than Friends (1) Suriname (1) Susan Cagle (1) Svörtuloft (1) Sweden (1) Swin Cash (2) Swing Out Sister - Breakout (1) Symphony (1) Syracuse (1) Taj Mahal (1) Talented People I Like (2) Tales from the bus (2) Tanzania (1) Taral Hicks (1) Tears for water by Alicia Keys (1) Tech (1) Teena Marie - Behind The Groove (1) Tel Aviv-Yafo (1) Television (1) Tell Me (1) TEN CITY - DEVOTION (1) Terence Trent D'Arby (Sananda Maitreya) - Wishing Well (1) Terri Lynn Carrington (1) Terror Alerts (1) Terry Lewis (1) test (1) Tevin Campbell - Can We Talk (1) Thanksgiving (2) The 1985 Chicago Bears - The Super Bowl Shuffle (1) The Bevery Hillbillies (1) The Blackbyrds - Walking in Rhythm (1) The Blog Report (5) The Brothers Johnson - Land of Ladies (1) The Daily Voice (1) The Eiffel Tower at night (1) The Family - Screams of Passion (1) the FDA (1) The Fillmore (1) The Four Seasons (1) The Great Barrier Reef (1) The Great Mississippi Flood Of 1927 (1) The Happy Go Lucky Bachelor. Aaron McGruder (1) The Human Race (2) The Isley Brothers Voyage To Atlantis (1) The Jones Girls - You Gonna Make Me Love Somebody Else (1) The Neville Brothers (1) The Nile (1) The Police (1) The Roots - The Seed 2.0 (1) The Scream by Edvard Munch (1) The Shades of Love - Keep in Touch (Body To Body) (1) The Stylistics - People Make The World Go Round (1) The Supremes - Merry Christmas (1) The System - You Are In My System (1) The Twin Towers (1) The U.S. from space (1) The Ukraine (1) The Walt Disney Company (1) The Whispers - And The Beat Goes On (1) The White Stripes - Icky Thump (1) Then and Now (2) There But For The Grace of God Go I (1) There is no place like home (1) These Boots Are Made For Walkin' (1) Thompson Twins - Lies (1) Thoughts (73) Tiger Woods (1) Time Inc (1) TimeWarner (1) Timex Social Club - Rumors (1) TLC Unpretty (1) TLC - No Scrubs (1) Toledo Spain (1) Tom Ridge (1) Toni Braxton - Unbreak My Heart (1) Toronto at night (1) Toulouse (1) Track and Field (5) Tradition Of Excellence (1) Training Day (1) Transistor Radio (1) Travelling (2) Trinidad and Tobago (1) Try Again (1) Tupac Changes (1) Turks and Caicos (1) TV Theme Songs (1) Twofer Tuesday (4) Twofer Tuesday: Battle of the Classic Slow Jams - Reasons vs. Love T.K.O (1) Twofer Tuesday: Chaka Khan vs. Mary J Blige - Sweet Thing (1) Twofer Tuesday: I Shot The Sheriff : Bob Marley vs. Eric Clapton (1) Twofer Tuesday: I'll be there - Mariah vs. Michael (1) Twofer Tuesday: Lauryn Hill vs. Roberta Flack (1) Twofer Tuesday: Love Won't Let Me Wait - The Original or The Cover (1) Tyler Perry (1) U.S. Army Cover - Up (1) UCONN (1) Ugly Betty (1) Unbelievably sarcastic post (1) Undercover Black Man (2) Unknown Location (3) USA Today (1) Utah (1) Van Hool (1) Van Morrison Moondance (1) Vancouver BC (1) Varadero Cuba (1) Vaughn Mason and Crew - Bounce (1) Vegetarianism (1) Venice Italy At Night (1) Vermont (1) Veronica Cambell (1) Veronica Webb (2) Veterans Day (1) Viacom (3) Vicente Guerrero (1) Vikter Duplaix - Make A Baby (1) Violence Against African American Women (2) Violence Against Women Of Color (2) Violence On Campus (1) Virgin Islands (1) Vivaldi (1) Volkswagen (1) Volvo C30 (1) Vote (1) Wacky Wednesday: Songs with "I Like" in the tittle (1) Wanderlust (1) Waris Dirie (2) Washington Square Park (4) What About Our Daughters (4) What Black Men Think (1) What Columnists are Saying (3) What I'm Listening To This Week (3) What I'm Listening To This Weekend (1) What I'm Listening To Today (63) What I'm Watching This Weekend... (1) What I'm Watching Today (2) What Tami Said (4) What The.... File (2) What's Going On (1) Where is the Love (1) White castle (1) White Rap Music Buyers (1) Who Killed Benazir Bhutto? (1) Who Knew (1) Whodini - Big Mouth (1) Why Black Women Are Angry (1) Will and Jada (1) Will Smith (1) Willow (1) Window Shopping (1) Winter Solstice (1) Wisconsin (1) Wish feat. Fonda Rae - Touch me (all night long) (1) WNBA (4) WNBA Conference Finals (2) WNBA Finals (1) WNBA MVP (1) Woman's European Athelete Of The Year (1) Women (1) Women Leaders (1) Women's Sports (2) Word... (1) Words (5) work (2) Yaz Situation (1) Zanzibar (1) Zap Mama (2) Zhane' (1) Zoe Kravitz (1)

About Me

West Coast, United States
African American, Poet?, Vegetarian, Music lover, Agoraphobic, Social Phobic

My Favorite Poet

My Favorite Poet
Staceyann Chin

My Favorite Track Athlete

My Favorite Track Athlete
Christine Arron