(Okay this post really isn't really about Astrophysics, I just couldn't figure a good title for this post.)Here is what it's really about.
What do you do when you like someone a lot and you over time get the feeling that they don't really like you? I have a feeling that someone I really like and admire, for some reason doesn't really like me. I feel like she only tolerates me because we travel in the same circles.
I've gone out of may way on several occasions to let her know that I think she is a really great person. And I do think she's a great person.
So does she think of me as a sycophant?
Recently I noticed that she has embraced certain people who I am close to but she still makes it clear in a very subtle way that she doesn't want to embrace me in that same way.
So I'm sad and hurt. I've invested a lot of time in the relationship, such as it is, and feel cheated. Yesterday I came to the conclusion that I should simply back off.
I feel like I have been pushing myself on her and that's a terrible feeling.
I really hate how I'm feeling. On the one hand I feel childish. I feel childish because I feel jealous. I feel as though this person has gotten close to a few people that I may have introduced her to and now I'm being shunned.
Anyway I needed to vent. I needed to say something about this because it is really bothering me.
Thanks for listening.
Do you think I'm being stupid and childish? Should I talk to her about this or just back-off?
16 comments:
Don't sweat it, the person's not worth being frustrated over.
a good title would have been QUARKS, QUASARS AND GLUONS
Give space.
Anything else looks needy and not worthy of respect. Hell you could even play high post and just ignore her from now on.
I don't know if it's stupid or childish, because it happens to all of us no matter our age. I think it's just being human. I used to have hope that people stopped these type games when we got "old and mature enough" until I visited my grandmother in a nursing home and saw the same thing happening! It never ends!
I agree with backing off. If she doesn't appreciate you, that's her problem. And by the way, the title of the post really caught my attention! : )
mdc,
backing off and remembering who you are is best when situations like this happen. your life is taking a different path and she is not part of it.
i see more for you because of her actions/re-actions and, non-actions. and what you have detailed is saying more about her lack of integrity as a person than it does about how good a person she is.
childish maybe in the sense that you are being shown areas of your character that are being built up-matured-pruned away.
being strengthen for the future places we are going is great. but even better is being fully aware of what is occuring within us so that we can reap and glean completely.
it's ok to feel hurt-expressing emotion is human-but not to be confused with being controlled by one's emotions, this is negative and will lead to more mess.
growth and wisdom will be reaped if sought.
just treat her with compassion and kindness-let it be true, from your heart. and feel no lack in your life from her or anyone else's presence not being within your life.
thank you for venting (and not acting on it), so in the troubles of one persons life we will find hope and answers for helping ourselves-by having the eyes to see the answers.
Oh, have I been there. And what I've generally found is that the other person has their own hang-ups or insecurities that have nothing at all to do with me.
Really, stupid stuff, like their marriage is having problems and they think that mine looks like it's going well. Or I look like a friend who she had problems with in elementary school. Or one of a bunch of other odd insecurities people have. 'Cause you know there's always the, "I don't want to be friends with anyone who really wants to be friends with me," syndrome. And you just can't fight that.
And sometimes you can never find out just what it is because the other person keeps you at enough of a distance that it's clear that to even talk about it would make her vulnerable. And people don't like letting their guard down around someone who they already don't feel comfortable with.
It's kind of a catch-22 situation because in order for her to tell you why she doesn't embrace you, she'd have to make herself vulnerable - and you only get vulnerable with people you feel close to.
I think you've let her know that you think she's a good person to have as a friend. Now is probably the time to just back off and let it be. Maybe she'll come around on her own.
oh, and to answer your other question, no it does not make you a syncophant.
I would say just leave it alone. I'm sure you feel this way for a reason and I'm not so sure what would be gained by expressing it to her, because honestly--what would she really say? I doubt that it would give you any clarification or make you feel any better if she could even come up with a reason at all.
You tried. Her loss.
I don't think you are being childish, I think you are being human. It is quite normal to have the desire to be close to people you admire. It is also normal for there to be times when one person feels one way, but another person doesn't feel the same.
I used to find myself in similar situations to what you described. Mostly towards women that I liked, but the feelings were not mutual. What I found was sometimes I was trying to come close to people who I really wasn't compatible with at the expense of drawing away from people I was compatible with.
My conclusion was that I needed to be more concerned with the feelings of others sometimes. Just because I like a person and crave some of their attention doesn't mean that they must return those feelings. Everyone has their likes, dislikes, concerns, and preferences so those people have the right to not desire my friendship, my company, or my emotions.
Just look at it from this angle. Not long ago you posted about a co-worker that you heard liked you, but your feelings were not the same. So maybe he is somewhere thinking the same kind of thoughts you are about the person who friendship you desire. Often when we find ourselves in compromising situations like this, we also have to consider that there may be people feeling the same way towards us.
HC,
Maybe but it will take me some time to actually believe that.
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Torrance,
I'd have to google Gluons.
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ClnMike,
I don't dislike her, so I wouldn't want to ignore her. But I get your point.
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Anali,
Wow, in a retirement home, that's not good.
Backing off seems to be the best move.
Lol, Astrophysics just poped into my head, that's weird.
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WTM,
"just treat her with compassion and kindness-let it be true"
That's great advice. I don't like being resentful.
Thanks for listening to my vent!
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FL,
You make a really great point; it could have nothing to do with me. She could just be going through something.
Another vote for backing off!
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WTM,
Thanks, I was a little worried about that.
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Brianna,
Yeah what would she say; she probably wouldn't be direct if I did talk to her, so what would be the point.
I did try, so oh well.
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Ehav,
I guess there could be a comparison with my carpool friend.
I agree with everyone's advice regarding this situation and I admire your bravery and your quest for knowledge.
Everyone has their own reasons for why they are attracted to certain people in their lives (or not). We can't control another's thoughts or manipulate them to see that we are 'good people' or 'worthy to be around.'
We simply have to live with the decisions they make, and in turn others have to live with ours.
We are all free.
Mes Deux Cents any time you have to ask about a relationship your heart has already spoken. Listen to your heart, our heart is always right even when our head says something different. Good post.
DMB,
Your right, we do have to live with other people's choices.
I guess it's about accepting things we can't change.
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JJ B,
You are absolutly right, my head was trying to over-rule my heart.
I've been there. I actually found that the person I wanted to be more close to, actually did love and value me but as DMB says it's their decision how close they want to be. You can't force it.
Once you accept this it may help a bit with the jealousy and self doubts and even create a freedom space for growth in the relationship. It hurts and it's hard And MDC, it's her loss. So there!
Sometimes you just gotta back off, accept, and trust that everything is exactly as it should be. I am sure this person has their reasons for keeping a distance - but what those are are not your concern.
Focus on the people who have the pleasure of enjoying the fullness of your friendship; forget about those not interested.
Jackie,
That's true, I can't force it. I think I'm coming to terms with that.
lol, Yep it is her loss!
Thanks
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Shelly,
"everything is exactly as it should be"
Those are words to live by.
Thanks
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