Friday, December 7, 2007

My darn stupid heart...

I have a broken heart. I've had it for a long time but I've been ignoring it. Recently I did something to bring it back into my thoughts. I stupidly googled my exes name. I've done this before and nothing ever came up. So when I googled their name this time I fully expected nothing to come up.

Unfortunately for me this time was different. Not only did my search have a result but it was a short blurb in an article that mentioned my ex and the new (great) job they have now. And there was a picture and in the article it said the my ex was now living in the Far East.

So this new info sent me in an emotional dose dive for about 24 hours.

The real upsetting part is that when the relationship ended I didn't know really why it ended. The reasons stated were very cryptic. And during that time in my life I was very career driven and going through a 'I'm independent and therefore I don't really need anyone' phase.

Okay so now I'm not in that phase anymore and I really miss this person. I think that this was THE relationship in my life. So now all I have left are memories and anger at myself for letting it go so easily.

There is nothing I can do about this relationship now. Too many years have passed. I think that there was a window of opportunity for me after it ended but I was too proud to make the first move. So now I am taking inventory of my life and I realize that the decisions I have made in the last 10 years are a result of the relationship ending.

For instance I have absolutely no reason to be here in California. When the relationship ended I was living in North Carolina and I in a fit of impulsiveness quit my job and moved 3000 miles to a city where I knew absolutely no one.

I am living 3000 miles from my friends and family and wanting to punch myself in the neck! What the heck was I thinking? I guess that's the point, I wasn't thinking. I was trying to show my ex that oh well the relationship ended, life goes on I'm moving on literally and figuratively.

I have to re-evaluate my entire life. I don't want to be here in California. But I also don't want to make another geographic move based on emotion either.

There is not going to ever again be a relationship between me and my ex. I have to say that to myself over and over. I more than likely will never even talk with my ex ever again. So now what?

I have to repair my darn broken heart. I have to really move on because I've been lying to myself. I have to make room in my heart so that it can be open to someone else. I'm tired of this baggage and I really have to let it go!

Any advice?

I wrote and posted this in September about this former relationship;


Rue Something
ByMes Deux Cents


A half eaten memory
a memory I thought I would have time to develop
a whisper forgotten and remembered

I miss you
that's simple to say
so hard to feel

I thought I'd never need to remember
each day would be a new
but you disappeared

and now I'm left with
just a half eaten memory

a whiff of something that I recognize
but nothing I can consume

What was that street
in Paris
Rue something?

I sent your letters there
I've lost the ones you sent me

A half eaten memory
that's what you are
I want more

I thought maybe I would send you a letter
but you've moved on I'm sure
moved on maybe five times more

I'm now maybe five times removed from your memory
just a half eaten memory

I want to say I love you
but I'd feel stupid

I want to see
see what you've become
become something that sprung in part from me

I feel so hungry
and all I have is a half eaten memory
some street in Paris

Rue something




13 comments:

browngirl said...

my advice--hobbies! great distractions, even if they're temporary. get into something you've thought about trying more than once and just dive into that. feelings for an old flame are going to crop up eventually, don't let it consume you, it's temporary. so, go take a dance class or knitting class or jewelry making, something...

Xcentric Pryncess said...

The poem is beautiful, I also have a broken heart and they are truly hard to mend....but it can be done...there is someone for each of us...I hope

Shelly said...

What a moving post. Lovely poem too... very heartfelt.

I wish I had the wise words for you, MDC. But in truth, I have very little. I too have been nursing a broken heart for a looooooong time and am oh-so-achingly slowly putting myself back together.

All I can suggest? Do nice things for other people. And like browngirl said, find constructive hobbies and interests (thank God for blogging! ;-) ). Treat yourself well. Interact with other people and laugh and talk and learn as much as you can. But most of I guess... have faith. Believe in the wisdom of the universe that you are worthy of a wonderful relationship and everything will happen (and has happened) exactly as it's meant to.

Much love to you :-)

Tami said...

Oh, MDC...that poem was beautiful.

Tonight, get a bottle of Reisling, a pint of Haagan Dazs, and put Love is a Losing Game on repeat and have a good cry.

Tomorrow, dry your eyes, straighten up and keep on going. It doesn't do to wallow for too long. Earlier this week, I heard someone say: "Don't drag yesterday into today. You'll miss the awesomeness of the present by dwelling on the past." I thought it was pretty good advice and it made me feel better on a day I was pretty crabby.

For whatever reason, your old relationship was not meant to be. There is no point in holding on to guilt or placing blame. I'm sure the universe has some wonderful love waiting for you in the future. When that person shows up, you don't want the ghost of your ex taking up their space. So let your ex go. If the relationship is written in the stars, it will be back again. If not, it won't.

Oh, and a last bit of advice from Tami the Love Doctor: Don't ever fall prey to urges to Google exes, just to see...No good ever comes of that. Ditto, drunken late night phone calls and drive bys.

Feel better, MDC.

Our Spin On It... said...

Mes Deux Cents,If I may add this,
these are not my words, but you might find it helpful. It is simple, yet there is good message within it. Also before I post the quote, when I find myself missing an ex or kicking myself because I initiated the breakup, that is usually a sign that I am ready to share my heart again with someone and the only reason I rememer my ex in those moment is because I remember how divine his touch was despite the faulty relationship. But I assure you, if you dug back in your garbage as my mother says when we backtrack to our ex-beaus, you would soon remember why you felt the need to leave the first time. Anyway here is the quote:“One day it is going to be clear as a bell to you. Men and women are puzzle pieces. No two pieces are alike, they’ve got all those different sides and shapes, jagged and smooth, but when there’s a fit, when that piece goes with the other, the search is over, it’s done. You don’t have to pull it back apart and try it again to make sure it works. It either does or it doesn’t, there’s no guessing. Now if another piece comes along, it’ll fit the other side, maybe if it’s a corner piece, or a center piece, it may have three or four different pieces it goes with to make the picture come to life. Each piece is vital to the next. Do you understand what I am saying? Other pieces may fit, but none can take the place of the other.”
~Trisha R. Thomas from the novel Nappily Ever After (the book was ok). Every situation has its place.

Mes Deux Cents said...

Browngirl,

Hobbies, now that's a good idea. I've been wanting to learn how to quilt. So maybe now’s a good time!

Thanks



Xcentric Pryncess,

Thanks and I think you are right, they can mend.




Shelly,

"Do nice things for other people."

That's a good suggestion. It's the holidays so I've already volunteered to help at a dinner for the needy on this Tuesday. Maybe I'll find more to do.

Thanks




Tami,

Mmmm Haagen Dazs! That might do the trick. (lol)

"Don't ever fall prey to urges to Google exes, just to see...No good ever comes of that. Ditto, drunken late night phone calls and drive bys."

(lol) thanks for the laugh there, I needed it! No more googling for me!

And you're right, it wasn't meant to be. I have to keep repeating that.

Thanks




Our Spin On It,

"when I find myself missing an ex or kicking myself because I initiated the breakup, that is usually a sign that I am ready to share my heart again with someone"

Thanks for that. That may be the case with me now. I hope so.

And thanks for the quote.

Lisa said...

MDC: If you love something, set it free. . . if it comes back, it was meant to be. . .I know you've heard that a million times, but I think it applies here as well. I don't really believe that there is a such thing as "the" person for us -

I LOVE the poem - you and Amber have much talent :)

Mes Deux Cents said...

Lisa,

Thanks for the words. You're right thankfully there are more "the" persons out there than just one.

And I think that Amber has me beat. Her poem is far beyond her years. But she has a great mom so I'm not surprised.


Thanks

Ehav Ever said...

Sometimes it also a matter of remembering that just as you have a past you also have a future. I believe that we make our own destinies. So you can't change the past, you can only deal with your present and your future.

Maybe it is also a matter of thinking back over the good in your life and remembering that your life has purpose. You are who you are now, and you can become so many things.

Other times it is a matter of looking back over the good things people feel about you. Look at what effects your blog has had, and remember that you have worth beyond that of gold and silver.

All the advice you have been is great, and the only thing that I would add is this. If where you are is not where you want to be, and who you are is not who you want to be. Take some time to yourself to research and find where you want to be and who you want to be.

I hope that you find the path that is right for you to mend your heart.

Miriam said...

Hi MDC,

My two shekels..

Every place has a mazal -a flow. Maybe for you, California was / is a place of solace and calmness -what you needed then. Did you indeed find solace?

if so, then your internal compass is intact, and the "what to do now? Where to go from here?" questions will best be answered by that same internal compass that has been guiding you. May it be well for you!

I sincerely wish you luck, my sister!

Mes Deux Cents said...

Ehav,

"Maybe it is also a matter of thinking back over the good in your life and remembering that your life has purpose."

That is good advice. sometimes I forget to do that.

Thanks




Miriam,

Wow thanks for sharing that. I guess I did find what I needed here initially. I suppose my internal compass is telling me that I'm done here and to move on.

Thanks Miriam that felt like a mini therapy session.

Monica Roberts said...

Ms Deux,
Once your heart tells you that you're done with the spiritual reevaluation and introspection, if you're ready, consider getting back inro the dating game.

But if you're considering relocating, you may want to wait until you've moved to your new city to do that.

Mes Deux Cents said...

Hi Monica,

I don't think I'm done with the introspection, but I think I'm starting to get some answers.

You're right about dating, I should and I will probably wait until I get where ever I'm going.


Thanks

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About Me

West Coast, United States
African American, Poet?, Vegetarian, Music lover, Agoraphobic, Social Phobic

My Favorite Poet

My Favorite Poet
Staceyann Chin

My Favorite Track Athlete

My Favorite Track Athlete
Christine Arron